-gather up these thoughts-
stitch them together with a prickly needle
into a tatty blanket
taken to the bazaar
away from me
to sell
for a dollar each.
Leave me
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Hello hello! It has really been awhile hasn't it? Notice how all my latest post all start like this? HAHA. I've abandoned my blog one too many times. How unfortunate.
I feel a bit paranoid when I'm alone at home. Y'know, you get this nagging feeling something's moving or someone's staring at you. I don't know man, maybe it's just me.
*hicks*
You know, good ole' maggi mee now doesn't have MSG!!! and it taste like plastic. :( i'm depressed. Bring back the good ole glorious days of MonoSodiumGlutamate.
Ohkaye. I think this is getting way too random for my liking but I have not blogged in ages and i miss the feeling man! WOOOT! It's like liberation. Let's update on what has happened in this... what... one year? Since i stopped blogging.
I have a baby, his name is Aaron and he's 19 years old this year.
I am currently a wakeboarder, and i LOVE it to BITS! (KRUSH KRUSH KRUSH! Haha. Like i'll ever get it)
I am currently doing Marketing and Tourism and lovin' it!
Life's been pretty kind to me and i don't really have anything to complain about, prolly cept' my lack of social life.
HAHA.
yea. that's about it.
i feel like drinking Bubble Tea, or like how Amanda puts it Buble(as in michael buble)-tay. Say it in a phoney french accent.
OK. so much for my first entry after my hiatus.
Peace.
who is that girl you forgot?
when you just stop and ponder. stop looking at yourself in the mirror. have you ever thought that perhaps there are other people in the world besides yourself?
what's wrong with you fuckers?
fuckers.
dumb fuckers.
i hate you all.
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i'm usually not like that. i swear.
but maybe it's because you don't know me enough.
i really try. hard. so hard that sometimes i punish myself in my sleep.
wait. what sleep.
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the little butterfly tried to fly.
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random thoughts.
for the random mind.
i just wish you knew.
YOU. is not singular. in this particular case.
when was the last time i felt this way?
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the little butterfly flew out of one trap.
into another.
the little butterfly thought it was beautiful.
thought.
perceived.
and lied to itself.
disillusioned.
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the little butterfly is tired.
it doesn't want you anymore.
it has decided to rest.
no.
wait.
what IS rest?
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in this world filled with music.
the little butterfly flies.
alone.
happy.
unhurt
by the words YOU say.
in this little palace.
of little butterflies.
where you can't touch it.
touch HER.
touch ME.
HO HO HO!!! Santa Claws is back once again. With newly manicured nails (frenchie!!!) that are capable of winning a scratch-fest against a cat but sadly VERY handicapped in typing. My fingernails, long but pretty, no less, have made me an imbecile. A total imbecile.
There've been so many things i've been dying to blog about but unfortunately, due to a certain subject called CSA- Computer Screws Arses which has tested my patience with a certain web page designing project using a programme called Macromedia Nightmareweavers, I haven't had the time, nor the energy to blog, though i was on the comp every single maddening day, almost 8 hours each time.
Now that my nightmares are over and i've received due payment for my services i finally have a little spare time left over for me to blog. Awww... my loyal fans must have been dissapointed in the past week.
"What has happened to Pei Lin, our dear Blog Queen? Oh! she has stopped blogging again! Oh no! Woe is us! We are useless without her insightful and entertaining blog entries! Life is meaningless..."
Yes yes, don't worry, i have not gone on a hiatus.
Talking about Blogsphere's royalty, i do wonder, or rather, i let my imagination run wild and i think, will i ever become famous from blogging, and what are the consequences? I don't wanna be famous because i get flamed all the time due to the content of my entries. I don't wanna be famous because i posted my bare essentials on the World Wide Web. Neither do i wanna be a famous blogger due to the fact that i don't actually blog, but photolog and the only words on my blog are captions.
I wonder how those so-called FAMOUS blogs, get famous in the first place?
After reading some blogs which people proclaim are FAMOUS, i honestly don't see anything worthy of being noticed. True, they might write well and all, but there is really nothing that really interests me when i read them. I don't exactly know how to describe what they write, but it just plain doesnt seem interesting at all! (Sounds frustrating, yes i know.)
And, have you noticed? Bloggers, or rather the FAMOUS ones, more often that not, have gargantuan egos. Does it take an egoistic, narcissistic bitch/bastard to be a good, oh no excuse me, i mean FAMOUS blogger? I really don't know. But it sure seems like it to me.
I like to blog-surf. I like to read blogs that are written by good natured yet funny people. I don't like to read blogs that are filled with "You might hate me, but too bad."s and "You are my reader therefore i'm better than you and you better not ask anything from me you stupid loser."s.
In the first place, don't tell me you blog to read it yourself? Don't tell me you are perfectly contented with spending all that time and effort blogging without anyone besides yourself reading it?
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. not at all.
Perhaps i don't see it from THEIR point of view. I guess it's true that THEIR every word and every move is scrutinized over the web with anyone and everyone reading it and it's not easy to be tolerant with readers who flame you for no fucking reason just because they misunderstood what you meant. And i guess it's really impossible to make everyone happy.
You know the age old argument "If you don't like me, don't read my blog la!" ?
I'm shocked people are still using it. Don't you know, people like to hate, people need an object/character to put on a pedestal of hatred. People NEED to hate. There's is no point telling your flamers to STOP reading your blog if they hate you so much. There is no point getting worked up about people who flame you as they hide behind the safety of their computer screen. And i don't get why people swear they wouldn't get angry because of flamers and still do in the end.
I thought stupid people can say what stupid things they want?
I guess THEY still care.
Enough about blogging. Let's talk about the world of Meritocracy. Since Singapore's 40th Birthday is coming i guess it's only right for me to blog about it like for ONCE. In fact, what i want to blog about doesn't really have much to do with National Day, it's just that all that NE has really gotten to my head and i want to say something about this thing called Meritocracy, or rather, the non-existance of it.
You know how every year when the O Levels' results are out and how all the RGS RI HWA CHONG-ians get to go on tv and flash their geeky faces for once in their sad life time due to the fact that they get like what 9 As or 10As or whatnot. Ya. Now do you notice that there is such a thing called a MALAY SCHOLAR and an INDIAN SCHOLAR, but no such thing as a CHINESE SCHOLAR?????
If racial harmony was a person, he would have slashed his wrists.
You see how hypocritical the whole system is?
What happened to equality of all races? What does it mean when you have to point out that particular scholar is a MALAY SCHOLAR? What exactly does that mean?
Are you trying to say that you must categorise because the races cannot compete with each other equally and fairly? Is this what all that NE nonsense has come down to? Is this what you call Meritocracy, that you reward certain people due to their races? What if a Malay or Indian Scholar gets 7As and I'm Chinese and i get 7As but i don't get to flash my geeky face on television just because i'm Chinese and the Chinese Scholar, who is just called THE Scholar, scored 10As?
I don't know why nobody questioned the system before, but then again, I shouldn't be too surprised. How many Singaporeans question anyway. Those that do get put behind bars or sued till they have no money to pay for defamation and have to volunteer to put themselves behind bars all the same.
So much for Happy Birthday Singapore.
Incidentally, I fucking hate people who speak Mandarin or their mother tongue in front of friends of other races, but mostly its the Chinese who do that. HELLLO? They don't understand what the fuck you are saying so speak in English can? Can you imagine if you go to France and everyone fuck cares that you cannot understand French and they don't even make and effort to notice that and someone says a joke and everyone's lauging and all you are left wondering is: Are they laughing at me?
Would YOU like that? Too many people i know don't even notice it when they do it. It's so particularly selfish and insensitive and unkind and yet no one really bothers to make an effort. People, it's time to wake up. Before our country turns officially to an AUNTIE, can we stop pushing this SHIT called Racial Harmony, claiming that we actually practice it and teach it in schools, and yet still go ahead to announce everything in Mandarin as if this is CHINA.
STOP making the stupid National Day theme song in Mandarin la. The English version is enough. If Taufik doesn't get a chance to sing it in Malay, why should Rui En get to sing it in Mandarin?
oH mY GoSh! I CanNOt STaNd thIs LoRx. PeoPle WhO TyPe LiKE THIs ShOUld Be shoT In ThEiR aRmPiTs aNd HaVe aLl tHe hAiR PuLlEd oUt fRoM ThEiR NoStRiLs 1 By 1 LoRx. sO IwEeTaTiNg WoRx. I KnOw yOu pEoPlE GoT No cREaTiViTy bUt nO nEeD To tYpE LiKe dAt tO GeT PpL's aTtEnTiOn WaDz! U MaKe mE BlInD U NoEz??!? wAiT I AsK My sTeAd tO WhAck u Ah!
Pfft. Pleast pardon me if the above immitation was inaccurate. I am an uncertified lian, and thus cannot comprehend the gist of DySfUnCtIoNaL tYpInG and incomprehensible English.
i also cannot stand people who type and type and type without punctuation and paragraphing none whatsoever it's as though their life depended on it hello there is such a thing called a fullstop comma question mark and exclaimation mark and all that and you just have to press the Enter key like once twice to make your bloody page look more presentable and readable are you stupid was your enter key stolen or did your hamster eat it or did YOU eat it you sicko oh my gosh its giving me a headache i hope your hamster bites your fingers off and you never get to type again.
oh my goodness gracious me.
Today. a teacher of mine asked me a question.
What is your blog's URL?
I refused to answer. It's too private. I don't want HIM reading it.
In fact, i don't really wish to have people from my class knowing this site exists. It's just so so wrong for them to read it. I don't know why.
Perhaps i'm afraid i might be misunderstood.
Perhaps i'm afraid i might be judged.
Whatever it is, besides those who've already been here done that, i wish to have no more new visitors from my class.
I should remove the URL on my friendster account.
Yes yes. That shall be done soon.
I don't understand why i wasn't afraid before, to let all my other friends read it. Perhaps it's because they knew me enough to know that the animosity displayed here is just a result of frustration and more often that not, is a temporary situation.
Yes. I admit. I'm afraid they would not understand.
I'm trying. Really hard. Not to be someone i don't wanna be.
Not to pretend to be someone better. But it's difficult.
I don't think anyone would understand.
I'm trying to control my goosebumps. But sometimes it just doesn't work and i'm sorry for being that way.
I'm sorry for my self-perceived hierarchy.
Perhaps it doesn't exist at all and i'm disillusioning myself into believing i'm made of something else. Something better. Something you don't have.
Something you probably would never have.
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Does it make you a slut to be comfortable with your sexuality?
Does it make you less than a slut if you do it on a porn site for money?
Does it make you a better person if you hide when you sin?
Do you think you are any better when you look at a girl's body and go "fucking slut" but you fantasize about her all the same?
Screw you.
Oh wait no. Screw yourself. I wouldn't want to have the honor.
Its revolting.
I'm talking about the Sarong Party Girl controversy. Yes yes i know, it's really passe and no one's talking about it already. But i have to say something. I just have the need to. After i was exposed to what people in my class think of her. This is of course, just my opinion. But obviously since you are here you are interested in my opinion so you better listen up.
How many people would kill to be that comfortable with their sexuality. Their need for sex. How many people?
How many people have lied that they are virgins just to fit in?
Just how many?
I'm sure you know. You're probably one of them.
Don't call her a slut just because she's doing what you wouldn't ever have the balls to do.
She's a Singaporean.
Can you actually believe it? In a freakin' conservative country with hardass government officials and rules plastered on every wall, here rises a girl, only 19, mind you, who is daring enough to bare her body, though not exactly beautiful, but her bare body, and is willing, too, to bear the consequences.
You are beneath that. So don't you dare call her a slut, or horrible, or whatever you can come up with with your limited vocabulary.
And honestly. What makes me really curious is that, how is it, that if so many people are disgusted by her actions, the number of hits on her blog could suddenly increase to a 5 digit number overnight?
It's disgusting isn't it?
It's so easy to point at someone and see all their mistakes. But could it be because you're jealous of them? Could it be because you secretly wanna be like them. It's all the same. Everyone is the same. I'm no exception.
I look at the crazy lifestyles some girls i know live. Clubbing, going out till the wee hours every night, drinking booze, getting stoned.
It's so easy for me to look at them and go: BAH. What kinda lame life do they live? Don't they have anything else better than to get out and get stoned and possibly get raped?
But deep inside there's this voice i know exists. Telling me that i'm disgusted because they are doing what i would never have the guts to do and will never be able to bring myself to do. Flirting with danger, as Mr Seow so aptly puts it.
I wanna club, but i'm too sensible and conscious to bring myself to. This innate desire to let go of myself bugs me and i'll never be able to fulfil it cause i know, I'm just not capable of being like them.
I am jealous. Therefore i despise.
Aren't you just the same? Isn't everyone just like that too? Looking at other people having what they have and they just can't help but be filled up with angst and hate.
It's the same damn thing with SPG. You hate her. Not because you really do. But because you want it. How she lives, her life, as though it was the only life she was ever going to live. You want to live like her. With no regrets. But you're too chicken to. Therefore the word Slut just comes so easily and naturally.
Hypocrisy. There's too much of it in the atmosphere. It's stifling me.
On a side note: You don't know what love is. You never knew and you will never find out. You disgust me. What i thought was devotion i now know is plain reliance. Actually, i already knew, you just reaffirmed me. i can't believe i was your friend.
Flabbergasted.
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If you read this. Hold on ok girl? I'm here for you. Yes you. I'm talking to you. The one who reads my blog and imitates what i write here whenever you see me.
You see the whole problem with my life is that.
get this.
There are too little guys.
Now now, before you get me wrong, i'm not some guy-whoring whore. i don't live for men cause we all know they are all dicks underneath everything else (pun unintended), but it's how girls behave around guys that make me feel so damn sick.
The problem with my life is, no matter where i'm studying, there are always a shortage of guys in my class. I suspect, that Romancing Singapore didn't quite work out for the government and they have decided to start young.
I suspect, they meddle with the class arrangements in every institution to make sure that the girl to guy ratio in every class is 10: 2.
How fucking unfair is that?
You might ask. If you didn't give a shit about guys, then why are you complaining?
HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING?!?!
I repeat: it's the way the girls behave in front of the guy because there are so little guys that piss the hell out of me.
When there are like, let's say, 7 guys in a class, the girls are bound to surround them rite? And the guys are like home-free! They get to hang out with any girl they want and they don't have to compete for attention.
No wonder they all become wimps eventually. But that's not the point.
The point is i look at the way some girls smile so radiantly when guys talk to them when before they were looking as though their cat got run down by a double decker bus with spiked tyres.
I look at the way they change their attitude when guys talk to them as compared to when I talk to them. Their voice changes from Sadako's to Strawberry Shortcake's. Though i reckon both are equally disgusting.
I look at the way they will do ANY favour for the guy yet when i ask them to they give me the 'who-am-i-to-you' look.
It pains me.
It makes me feel like killing the guys.
It makes me feel like killing the girls.
Sometimes, it even makes me feel like killing myself. Cause i don't wanna be like this too! I don't wanna give a shit about the guys, but when i do that it makes me hostile, but i'm not a hostile person and that makes me confused. And then i get so pissed i just wanna kill everyone.
Even in SA there were only like 4 or 5 damn guys in a class, and though things weren't that bad cause really we were all just friends, it was just still wrong. I felt as though i was still in a girls school. You know, that really screws things up. I would much rather being in a girls' school than being in a co-ed school with a majority of girls.
WHAT IS THE POINT?!
Girls bitch. BUT, when there are guys, but only a limited number, especially when there are a limited number, girls bitch even more!
Another question: why do girls forgive guys so easily but they can just as easily hate their girlfriends over some little shit?
Can anyone answer my question? Cause i honestly believe i can live without men. They can all go suck my toes.
Girls. Let's practice Ignore a Guy for a Day.
It's good for your skin.
And here's to you Guys: If you happen to like a girl, just wait and see. See how she treats her girlfriends. Listen to how she speaks to her girlfriends. More often that not, girls who treat their girlfriends really well are the truly nice ones.
But what do you care. A blow-up doll would do just fine.
Hour glass figure + Looks + Plastic smell (you need a psychiatrist) = Perfect Girl.
At least they don't bitch. So hey! They are in fact the perfect girlfriends!
Get one for yourself today! Sold in all major sex toys stores. Clothes sold seperately. Brains not included.
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Now. To something else.
I want to thank somebody for caring for me even though I was fine already. I appreciate it ALOT. As much as how i want to eat Fried Mars Bars. I never thought anyone would really try to find out what went wrong but apparently you did. And i thank you for that. Our friendship's kinda weird ain't it. Weird but good. =)
I just wanna say. THANK YOU.
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i've just been ordered to update my blog.
WHY OH WHY?
Why carn people just leave poor me alone and stop coercing me into typing my entire life on to the net?
Oh. WOE IS ME.
But then again. Said person claims that he's a fan of my site. And, as i quote Dai Wei "And
update your blog la...yes I admit it's on my favourites."
I'm touched. All over... hmm. yum.
ok anyways. what I think is. even if i do update this long forsaken blog, would anyone read it? I mean perhaps everybody thinks it's already defunct and no one would read it and i'll be updating for nothing?
yes? no?
but. ah. what the heck. since i'm here already. i MIGHT as WELL.
you see, the deal with me with not updating my blog is this. i'm sick of typing SOOOO much, just to hear people go: " wah. so many words. i dunch wan to read already la."
DAMN YOU ILLITERATES!
I DAMN YOU TO ETERNITY IN HELL AND HOPE THAT ALL THE BAD THINGS IN THE WORLD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOU ONLY!
It's a blog. Not a picture book. You wan a picture book on the net? Go watch porn la.
... tsk.
It pisses me off that people only give a damn about blogs which have pictures of them. Is there anyone left who actually appreciates writing at its purest form? Do i have to become a picture whore to get your attention?
poof.
HO HO HO.
Let's talk about my life now.
Just two nights ago, i tried to cut myself. I can't remember whether it was plainly experimental, or i was feeling truly depressed. I guess it was a mixture of both. I was just feeling so lousy and so distant from myself and from everything else. It was just surreal.
I remembered this documentary about self-mutilation and this girl was saying how she used to cut herself with her name tag cause it was the most convenient thing around. I saw the nametag on my table and decided to give it a try.
I know. It's stupid.
But the deal is, after i attempted to cut myself (dun fret it's hardly a scratch. i don't have the balls), i realised why people do it.
You see, when you take the name tag and try to carve something on your bare skin, you tend to focus all your attention on that particular act, and after it's done, OR in my case, after you realised how painful it actually is and you stop doing it, you tend to forget what you had been originally depressed about.
Well, at least for the moment.
And at least that was what had happened to me.
It seemed as though the emotional pain was lost in between me trying to poke the sharp end of the needle into my skin and realising how stupid it was.
Perhaps you wouldn't understand. It's a feeling that is not easily explained in words.
I was lost for awhile. Last week. I suddenly felt that my life was not worth living for and i was living for nothing. There was no one i could talk to about it. And the truth is i did talk to my parents about feeling that way and yet after their counselling i felt that nothing had really changed.
And i thought to myself. Will anyone ever understand how i feel? Will I myself ever understand how i feel? Will i ever feel happy?
I was dazed for awhile. Walked around the room, which is incindentally NOT very big, and there was nothing in my mind. Just blankness. A dark vacuum with absolutely nothing in it.
i was scared. as i've been for the past 16 years of my life.
I don't want to be that way anymore. I really don't. I swore i would change. Right after i attempted to cut myself with that damn name tag.
And then the next day i forced myself to change. I read somewhere that if you're upset, just pretend to be happy and the simple act of smiling, whether it's a genuine one or not, can cheer yourself up. Strange isn't it? How people always tell us to stop faking happiness when really the pros say it works.
And that was my epiphany. And i guess it worked. I tried to talk more to the people in my class though most of it was just bull shit and i tried to speak in a cheery voice. I'm not sure whether it worked but i felt happier. I didn't feel mellow.
Incidentally, i hate it when people say i always look very sian. I can't help it. I can't help it that you're boring me. I can't help it that i don't share your frequency. I definitely can't help it when i wanna tell you a joke but i know you would never get it. It's not my fault.
There. So much for an inspiring entry.
I think i do much better when i bitch about other people in my blog. No?
Perhaps, i should talk about something more light hearted. Lets talk about poly.
I honestly don't feel a thing for it. Like, blankness? You ask me whether i like poly life and i go.....
HUH.
It's like i don't adore it, yet i don't hate it, and i don't feel a damn thing for it. It's like i'm totally numb from it.
The deal with poly is that there's no school spirit. You don't get together every morning to massacre the national anthem, you don't get to shove each other in the morning to get onto the parade square on time, you can't snigger at the person making the announcment at the balcony like at SA.
" Good morning Saints. I'm Kenneth...."
It's just so...............
Disembered. Yes. That's the word.
gosh. lemme tell you something. Throughout this whole damn entry i've been itching to bitch about someone. But i'm trying to resist. I know you want to know. But i'm not sure whether it's right to do it.
................
ARGH.
help me.
and i give in. as usual.
I don't like to be bossed around. I don't like it when you speak as though you are older than me, though you are. You think you know everything but i know you know jack shit. You always talk to me like you know so much better than me and you're trying to teach me to be a better person. I don't think you are even a good person. I thought you were nice. But as always, impressions change and your reared your fugly head.
If you expect all girls to be virgins, then you better be one too.
If you expect people to be cold hard bastards and bitches then don't complain when they are cold hard bastards and bitches to YOU.
(He* said that it was stupid to give away 5 million to charity if you won 10 million in a lottery.)
If YOU are a cold hard bastard then two can play the game. Don't be a wuss and tell everyone how you have been bullied.
If you want to tell someone about your problems, don't call them in the middle of the night, and yet at the end of the day you do nothing to solve your problems. SOME people are actually NOT nocturnal! (WOW! FUN FACT!)
If You don't have the intention of solving your own problem, and yet you bitch about it all the time, don't expect anyone to pity you.
It pisses me off. You piss me off.
I hate guys who expect girls to be pure and all. You should all go to hell.
Girls don't have to do anything for YOUR DAMN SAKE. Girls don't have to not enjoy sex just to be a virgin for THE ONE GUY. Cause we all know there is NO ONE GUY. And every guy will just FUCK YOU UP one way or the other. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON GUYS SHOULD MIND THAT THEIR GIRL IS NOT A VIRGIN.
unless of cos the guy is one. but that is most unlikely.
gosh. what happened to light hearted.
There are just too many things i wanna talk about but there's no one to bitch to in school. I say something that was meant as a joke and someone* will go "Why you so bad?"
Like..........what?
That's bad? Wait till you read my blog.
Bah. You can ALL GO TO HELL.
Seems like there's no way to salvage this entry. Un-light hearted it shall be.
Till next time. TUNE IN TO BITCH CENTRAL =)
Main Entry: pL's blog
Function: Noun
Definition: pL's online diary; a personal chronological log of her thoughts published on a Web page; also called pL's Weblog, Web log
Example:
(Click thumbnail to enlarge the image of the blog)