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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

cuban cigars and uncut diamonds.

its almost painful watching you squirm in front of your monitor when i type something like "GOSH. you're freakin irritating you know? i just wanna pull the hair out of your scalp and watch you scream in exhilaration. You like it dun you, huh, you irritating lil b*itch?". ALMOST.

gosh. i never knew i could be so vulgar. i never knew i had it in me to be capable of such words. anyway. i've blogged about this before but when i was in the shower, which is where i get most of my blogging inspiration, i suddently thought of blogging about 'painful scenarios', and oh, please remind me to blog about my all-time favourite celebrity, SLY and the final showdown of Singapore Idol (strange how it's not called Singaporean Idol but dat sounds strangely, yet appropriately, Singlish.).

anyway, we were talking about 'painful scenarios' right? well, i need to explain a bit here. painful in the sense that the atmosphere is so queer and so weird and so uncomfortable that it's almost painful, a bit like what i just mentioned in the first paragraph. i can jus imagine how you might squirm uncomfortably in your seat reading what i, the almighty blogger had typed, wondering, whether, by any chance, i could be talking about you. of course, you will never ever find out unless you pay me a million bucks and that just makes it more interesting, and of course, even more painful.

doesn't it hurt to not know whether i'm talking about you? dun you feel strangely frustrated over how i'm toying with your feelings just be using the muscles at the tip of my fingers and the innocent keys on the keyboard? dun you feel over-sensitive to even have a guilty conscience even though you dun think you have done anything wrong?

it's weird and its a sucky feeling, i know. but does a blogger care? no. he or she doesn't. he or she bathes in the joy of that sick feeling you have at the bottom of your gut. he or she toys with the fact that not one person is perfect and that at some point in life you could have made a mistake, whether deliberately or not, which caused said blogger to blog about you in their little b*itchy website. and said blogger has the entire right to do so and there's nothing in this whole wide world you can do about it. nothing. not one thing.

no one can go away saying "He/she's definitely not talking about me. I haven done anything i'm particularly unproud of to he/she."

i am almost sure no one can say so much without glancing at the date where the entry was posted and playing back events which happened around then and thinking deep inside: hmm. what happened dat day. did i say anything which i wasnt supposed to say. was i not sensitive enough? did i do anything wrong?

And the worst thing is, you can never ever be so self-assured and conscience free to not doubt at all, a 100%, dat said blogger was never ever referring to you. thus that concludes painful scenario number 1.

now, painful scenario number 2. i'm sure it has happened to every single person and i'm sure it's unavoidable. the worse thing is, its classified under the 'Unmentionables'. it is the kind of thing which carn be discussed even among the closests of friends at that particular moment in time which it happens, because it's just too weird and too embarrassing to talk about. well at least, i'll like to think so. oh. just concur with me if not i'll have nothing to blog about. yes now be good and listen.

as i was saying, painful scenario number 2. i'm sure you are itching to know what i'm about to say next and this- wanting to know something so badly, yet secret bearer procrastinates, will conveniently be filed under painful scenario number 3 in my little SERIES OF PAINFUL SCENARIOS. yes as you can see i'm still not over my Lemony Snicket wannabe phase. okay okay! i'll get on with painful scenario number 2. bet you're on the edge of your seat now. you better be.

now painful scenario #2 takes a lot of effort to ignore and wave away. basically because it's so in-your-face.

now picture this. you and your frens, and i specifically point out that this group of frens includes both guys and gals, are just hanging around town, trying to look the best you can cos you're in town and you wanna look good la. den as you and your frens are just chatting and wondering where to go next, a really good looking girl walks pass and the guys all turn around and gawk and totally ignore what the unfortunate girls (that includes you) in their little group were saying just a moment ago before you were so unfortunately bestowed with Painful Scenario #2. And they just continue staring, and staring, and staring without bothering the least bit about what you are feeling. And get this. the worst part has yet to come. the worst part is when the really good looking girl knows what kinda effect she would achieve by sashaying her arse pass your little group and she looks at you when she walks pass, knowingly, with the kinda i'm-better-than-you smirk that would cause a sunflower to wilt and decompose on the spot in the record time of 5 seconds.

And you are completely helpless! you carn go up to her and tear that smirk off her face. you carn make your male counterparts wear satellite dishes around their heads (the kind where dogs are made to wear when they have a skin infection, to prevent them from biting the infected area), and you know, deep inside, you admit defeat. you concede. cos that girl is honestly, and truthfully, regardless of how she's such a total whore, downright pretty.

and once again. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DAMN WELL DO!

and guys, i'm speaking to the male species here. Before you can snigger, i'm sure it has happened to you too. i'm sure you were trying to impress some girl and then this really cute group of guys walked pass and there was nothing you could do but watch her gawk and help her wipe up her drool before she started looking too much like a dog with rabies. you know i know. no need to act like you're no victim. ;)

and that thus concludes Painful Scenario #2. as i go along with my blogging, i will introduce more Painful Scenarios to be added and filed away into my Series of Painful Scenarios.

The pain is good for you. =)

now now. away from all that hurt and embarrassment. lets talk about something which took place really long ago. the showdown between a warner brother's patented cat and uh. taufik. uh yea.

i'm talking about the FINAL SHOWDOWN. whatever it's called. held at the indoor stadium. i happened to have a fren who so kindly bestowed upon me a VIP ticket to watch the actual SHOWDOWN at the indoor stadium. if you know me well enough, you should know that i'm a taufik supporter. or more accurately, a sly-non-supporter. i dun believe in slamming. what's the point. he's afterall, just a poor little kitty in need of some lovin'.

so anyway, the show was great and all and i got my wish. taufik won. yay! it was bliss. but as i stepped out of the indoor stadium i was greeted by a sight that still gives me nightmares these days. ok fine. i'm exaggerating. but what i saw was indeed ghastly.

i've often said that most of sly's fans dun know what music and taste is and boy i never thought i could be more accurate. when i exited the indoor stadium my frens and i were just standing around planning of what to do next. as i recall, i was planning to go to a chalet after that. but that's not the point. the point is, we were just standing there watching the crowd disperse, and this bunch of pink-adorned sly fans (you know sly fans have to wear pink right. some sacred sly fan club thingy. i think.) were still holding the sly posters after i had long dumped my taufik one due to its ugly green colour. funny how i'm always associated with green. but. that is not the point.

the point is. they were holding their sly posters and some were even grabbing sylvester the cat the plush toy by its neck and due to obvious reasons, were crying so badly! they cried so much you could see their eyes were going swollen. ok. i mean. dats normal right. after you have invested so much in buying your pink t shirt pink pants pink slippers pink bag pink hair accessories and dun you dare forget mr sylvester the cat oh-y-isnt-he-pink(warner bros mysteriously found their sales in singapore increased rapidly during that peroid of time), you would want you dear sly the non-singer to win. right? but these girls took it further. never had i in my 16 years seen a rally taking place in this island country, and yet one took place just right after SINGAPORE IDOL: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN, outside the Singapore Indoor Stadium. And damn right it was a showdown. Between this over zealous fan and uh. no one in particular.

you see. this particular sly fan, she was quite short, wearing a pink polo, typically ah lian-ish though i'll hate to generalise, but this is to give you a better picture, with a short ponytail. kinda stout and with a look on her face which tells you you wouldnt wanna meddle with her. to top this off, she came complete with a voice somewhat similar to Pavarroti. she was crying a river and in between sobs you could hear loud and clear and with no restrain:"SLY IS THE REAL IDOL!!! SLY IS THE REAL SINGAPORE IDOL!!!" Imagine the attention she got. Just imagine.

Also, this is said complete with a look of hate directed to anyone not wearing a tinge of pink. and she went on ranting for a while until the rest of the pinkies came and took her away for some therapy. gosh. you cannot imagine how funny and absurd it was.

That night, at the chalet, when it was my turn to tell a horror story, i was tempted to share with my friends, the story about the girl in pink, who haunts the indoor staduim, whose soul would not rest, even after... THE FINAL SHOWDOWN.

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