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Saturday, June 18, 2005

Concentrated tea powder.

i've just been ordered to update my blog.

WHY OH WHY?

Why carn people just leave poor me alone and stop coercing me into typing my entire life on to the net?

Oh. WOE IS ME.

But then again. Said person claims that he's a fan of my site. And, as i quote Dai Wei "And
update your blog la...yes I admit it's on my favourites."

I'm touched. All over... hmm. yum.

ok anyways. what I think is. even if i do update this long forsaken blog, would anyone read it? I mean perhaps everybody thinks it's already defunct and no one would read it and i'll be updating for nothing?

yes? no?

but. ah. what the heck. since i'm here already. i MIGHT as WELL.

you see, the deal with me with not updating my blog is this. i'm sick of typing SOOOO much, just to hear people go: " wah. so many words. i dunch wan to read already la."

DAMN YOU ILLITERATES!

I DAMN YOU TO ETERNITY IN HELL AND HOPE THAT ALL THE BAD THINGS IN THE WORLD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOU ONLY!

It's a blog. Not a picture book. You wan a picture book on the net? Go watch porn la.

... tsk.

It pisses me off that people only give a damn about blogs which have pictures of them. Is there anyone left who actually appreciates writing at its purest form? Do i have to become a picture whore to get your attention?

poof.

HO HO HO.

Let's talk about my life now.

Just two nights ago, i tried to cut myself. I can't remember whether it was plainly experimental, or i was feeling truly depressed. I guess it was a mixture of both. I was just feeling so lousy and so distant from myself and from everything else. It was just surreal.

I remembered this documentary about self-mutilation and this girl was saying how she used to cut herself with her name tag cause it was the most convenient thing around. I saw the nametag on my table and decided to give it a try.

I know. It's stupid.

But the deal is, after i attempted to cut myself (dun fret it's hardly a scratch. i don't have the balls), i realised why people do it.

You see, when you take the name tag and try to carve something on your bare skin, you tend to focus all your attention on that particular act, and after it's done, OR in my case, after you realised how painful it actually is and you stop doing it, you tend to forget what you had been originally depressed about.

Well, at least for the moment.

And at least that was what had happened to me.

It seemed as though the emotional pain was lost in between me trying to poke the sharp end of the needle into my skin and realising how stupid it was.

Perhaps you wouldn't understand. It's a feeling that is not easily explained in words.

I was lost for awhile. Last week. I suddenly felt that my life was not worth living for and i was living for nothing. There was no one i could talk to about it. And the truth is i did talk to my parents about feeling that way and yet after their counselling i felt that nothing had really changed.

And i thought to myself. Will anyone ever understand how i feel? Will I myself ever understand how i feel? Will i ever feel happy?

I was dazed for awhile. Walked around the room, which is incindentally NOT very big, and there was nothing in my mind. Just blankness. A dark vacuum with absolutely nothing in it.

i was scared. as i've been for the past 16 years of my life.

I don't want to be that way anymore. I really don't. I swore i would change. Right after i attempted to cut myself with that damn name tag.

And then the next day i forced myself to change. I read somewhere that if you're upset, just pretend to be happy and the simple act of smiling, whether it's a genuine one or not, can cheer yourself up. Strange isn't it? How people always tell us to stop faking happiness when really the pros say it works.

And that was my epiphany. And i guess it worked. I tried to talk more to the people in my class though most of it was just bull shit and i tried to speak in a cheery voice. I'm not sure whether it worked but i felt happier. I didn't feel mellow.

Incidentally, i hate it when people say i always look very sian. I can't help it. I can't help it that you're boring me. I can't help it that i don't share your frequency. I definitely can't help it when i wanna tell you a joke but i know you would never get it. It's not my fault.

There. So much for an inspiring entry.

I think i do much better when i bitch about other people in my blog. No?

Perhaps, i should talk about something more light hearted. Lets talk about poly.

I honestly don't feel a thing for it. Like, blankness? You ask me whether i like poly life and i go.....

HUH.

It's like i don't adore it, yet i don't hate it, and i don't feel a damn thing for it. It's like i'm totally numb from it.

The deal with poly is that there's no school spirit. You don't get together every morning to massacre the national anthem, you don't get to shove each other in the morning to get onto the parade square on time, you can't snigger at the person making the announcment at the balcony like at SA.

" Good morning Saints. I'm Kenneth...."

It's just so...............

Disembered. Yes. That's the word.

gosh. lemme tell you something. Throughout this whole damn entry i've been itching to bitch about someone. But i'm trying to resist. I know you want to know. But i'm not sure whether it's right to do it.

................

ARGH.

help me.

and i give in. as usual.

I don't like to be bossed around. I don't like it when you speak as though you are older than me, though you are. You think you know everything but i know you know jack shit. You always talk to me like you know so much better than me and you're trying to teach me to be a better person. I don't think you are even a good person. I thought you were nice. But as always, impressions change and your reared your fugly head.

If you expect all girls to be virgins, then you better be one too.

If you expect people to be cold hard bastards and bitches then don't complain when they are cold hard bastards and bitches to YOU.

(He* said that it was stupid to give away 5 million to charity if you won 10 million in a lottery.)

If YOU are a cold hard bastard then two can play the game. Don't be a wuss and tell everyone how you have been bullied.

If you want to tell someone about your problems, don't call them in the middle of the night, and yet at the end of the day you do nothing to solve your problems. SOME people are actually NOT nocturnal! (WOW! FUN FACT!)

If You don't have the intention of solving your own problem, and yet you bitch about it all the time, don't expect anyone to pity you.

It pisses me off. You piss me off.

I hate guys who expect girls to be pure and all. You should all go to hell.

Girls don't have to do anything for YOUR DAMN SAKE. Girls don't have to not enjoy sex just to be a virgin for THE ONE GUY. Cause we all know there is NO ONE GUY. And every guy will just FUCK YOU UP one way or the other. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON GUYS SHOULD MIND THAT THEIR GIRL IS NOT A VIRGIN.

unless of cos the guy is one. but that is most unlikely.

gosh. what happened to light hearted.

There are just too many things i wanna talk about but there's no one to bitch to in school. I say something that was meant as a joke and someone* will go "Why you so bad?"

Like..........what?

That's bad? Wait till you read my blog.

Bah. You can ALL GO TO HELL.

Seems like there's no way to salvage this entry. Un-light hearted it shall be.

Till next time. TUNE IN TO BITCH CENTRAL =)

blogged on _11:25 PM

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