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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Conscience does not exist anymore.

Today. a teacher of mine asked me a question.

What is your blog's URL?

I refused to answer. It's too private. I don't want HIM reading it.

In fact, i don't really wish to have people from my class knowing this site exists. It's just so so wrong for them to read it. I don't know why.

Perhaps i'm afraid i might be misunderstood.

Perhaps i'm afraid i might be judged.

Whatever it is, besides those who've already been here done that, i wish to have no more new visitors from my class.

I should remove the URL on my friendster account.

Yes yes. That shall be done soon.

I don't understand why i wasn't afraid before, to let all my other friends read it. Perhaps it's because they knew me enough to know that the animosity displayed here is just a result of frustration and more often that not, is a temporary situation.

Yes. I admit. I'm afraid they would not understand.

I'm trying. Really hard. Not to be someone i don't wanna be.

Not to pretend to be someone better. But it's difficult.

I don't think anyone would understand.

I'm trying to control my goosebumps. But sometimes it just doesn't work and i'm sorry for being that way.

I'm sorry for my self-perceived hierarchy.

Perhaps it doesn't exist at all and i'm disillusioning myself into believing i'm made of something else. Something better. Something you don't have.

Something you probably would never have.

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Does it make you a slut to be comfortable with your sexuality?

Does it make you less than a slut if you do it on a porn site for money?

Does it make you a better person if you hide when you sin?

Do you think you are any better when you look at a girl's body and go "fucking slut" but you fantasize about her all the same?

Screw you.

Oh wait no. Screw yourself. I wouldn't want to have the honor.

Its revolting.

I'm talking about the Sarong Party Girl controversy. Yes yes i know, it's really passe and no one's talking about it already. But i have to say something. I just have the need to. After i was exposed to what people in my class think of her. This is of course, just my opinion. But obviously since you are here you are interested in my opinion so you better listen up.

How many people would kill to be that comfortable with their sexuality. Their need for sex. How many people?

How many people have lied that they are virgins just to fit in?

Just how many?

I'm sure you know. You're probably one of them.

Don't call her a slut just because she's doing what you wouldn't ever have the balls to do.

She's a Singaporean.

Can you actually believe it? In a freakin' conservative country with hardass government officials and rules plastered on every wall, here rises a girl, only 19, mind you, who is daring enough to bare her body, though not exactly beautiful, but her bare body, and is willing, too, to bear the consequences.

You are beneath that. So don't you dare call her a slut, or horrible, or whatever you can come up with with your limited vocabulary.

And honestly. What makes me really curious is that, how is it, that if so many people are disgusted by her actions, the number of hits on her blog could suddenly increase to a 5 digit number overnight?

It's disgusting isn't it?

It's so easy to point at someone and see all their mistakes. But could it be because you're jealous of them? Could it be because you secretly wanna be like them. It's all the same. Everyone is the same. I'm no exception.

I look at the crazy lifestyles some girls i know live. Clubbing, going out till the wee hours every night, drinking booze, getting stoned.

It's so easy for me to look at them and go: BAH. What kinda lame life do they live? Don't they have anything else better than to get out and get stoned and possibly get raped?

But deep inside there's this voice i know exists. Telling me that i'm disgusted because they are doing what i would never have the guts to do and will never be able to bring myself to do. Flirting with danger, as Mr Seow so aptly puts it.

I wanna club, but i'm too sensible and conscious to bring myself to. This innate desire to let go of myself bugs me and i'll never be able to fulfil it cause i know, I'm just not capable of being like them.

I am jealous. Therefore i despise.

Aren't you just the same? Isn't everyone just like that too? Looking at other people having what they have and they just can't help but be filled up with angst and hate.

It's the same damn thing with SPG. You hate her. Not because you really do. But because you want it. How she lives, her life, as though it was the only life she was ever going to live. You want to live like her. With no regrets. But you're too chicken to. Therefore the word Slut just comes so easily and naturally.

Hypocrisy. There's too much of it in the atmosphere. It's stifling me.

On a side note: You don't know what love is. You never knew and you will never find out. You disgust me. What i thought was devotion i now know is plain reliance. Actually, i already knew, you just reaffirmed me. i can't believe i was your friend.

Flabbergasted.

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If you read this. Hold on ok girl? I'm here for you. Yes you. I'm talking to you. The one who reads my blog and imitates what i write here whenever you see me.

blogged on _4:04 AM

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